Don't hold the door for me!

I have noticed a trend recently; guys holding the door open for me. When did this start? I don't want another guy to hold the door open for me unless I have an armload of stuff, then it is appropiate. When another dude holds the door open for me, it just feels all awkward.

Here, I know you are perfectly capable of opening your own doors, but let me do it for you anyways because I am a big lame-o, and it makes me feel like a fucking champ to do so.

I don't need this! I am a totally healthy, full grown man. I can open my own fucking doors. In fact, I kinda like opening doors. Think about how many positive metaphors exist in our society about opening doors, and how this is a good thing.

Now, I work in a secured building, where you need a badge to open a door. I have seen guys bending over backwards, practically tripping over themselves to hold the damn door open for me. Just go, already! Go do whatever it is you need to do. I got my badge, and I like the little beepy sound it makes when I open a door. Makes me feel like I am on fucking Star Trek. The only thing that would be cooler is if it made that whoosing sound that Star Trek doors make.

Okay, now I know what you are thinking. What a dick! What is wrong with holding the door open for someone? Gentlemen, chivalry is when a man helps a woman out. Not when a dude puts his fucking coat over a puddle for another dude. It is inappropiate, awkward and just kinda gay! It is okay when a man does it for a woman, the elderly, small children, and another guy with stuff in his hands, that's it.

So, gents in the future if you see me coming way down the hallway and you are passing through a secured door, just keep going. I got it. When the day comes when I am riding a Rascal down the hallway, shitting in to a bag, pissing through a fucking tube, then stay and hold the door for me. In the meantime, fuck off and get back to your desk!